There are times in life when you just wish you could wave a magic wand and instantly change something in your life. I had one of those days today. I wanted that wand to make me a size that's in all clothing shops.
In a little over two weeks I have a performance I have to be in with the choir. I need clothes, specific clothes for certain bits of the concert. The main things I needed to get today were a long black skirt and 3/4 sleeve top or a long black dress. I went to every possible shop I could think of to find these things, and I had absolutely no joy. Not only that, every item of clothing I tried on just looked dreadful. Nothing like a look at all your wobbly bits in dressing room mirrors to give the old self-esteem a healthy wallop. :( I know I am supposed to accept and love myself where I am now. I'm trying, I really am. But in situations like this, it's not easy. Right now I'm feeling just awful about myself. I intensely dislike how I look at times. I'm very tired and grumpy, too. I'm not sure if this is part of the depressive illness, which seems to have reared its ugly head lately. But I feel huge and uncomfortable and blahhhhhh and at the same time I am filled with inertia and fear. Quite the dilemma, and one with which I am all too familiar.
I'm going to write something now and I plan to revisit it in the future. Right now I feel so very uncomfortable in my skin. People like Craig Harper are always talking about being prepared to get uncomfortable. I think what I am facing is a choice between two different sorts of uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable feeling yuck and horrible in your own skin and feeling every single item of clothing you try on looks appalling and you look like a beached whale in it. It is also uncomfortable not eating food that you think is going to make you feel less "blahhhh" when you are having a bad day. The choice is mine. Do it or don't do it. It's that simple.
PS No offence to whales - they are really beautiful creatures. But they are meant to be that big and I'm not!