Well, I haven't written in this blog for a LONG time and I swore I wasn't going to do this again. I checked - the first entry I wrote in this blog said it, actually. I said I was sick of starting blogs whilst feeling motivated and good and then stopping them when things got tough. But I seem to have done this exact thing again - oops. Well, never mind. I've realised again what I've been doing and I want to write stuff again. I know I find it therapeutic and it still makes interesting (and revealing) reading when you go back over stuff. However, I have changed the title. It was called "Deb's Last Chance Saloon" but thinking back now, that does seem very negative and final so now it's called Building a Better Me, because that's what I'm trying to do. I am a work in progress. I hope to always be that.
Now, what I do in this process may or may not involve weight loss and if it does, great, but that's not the point of the exercise. I'm actually doing it to try and repair my self-worth above all else. I think my missing link ALL along in weight loss (or lack thereof) has been self-worth. I've only ever been able to succeed at weight loss to any degree, in the past, by building myself up into a big ball of hatred and anger against myself, against the world, against my mother and grandmother who possibly had a fair bit to do with shaping me into the person I am now. This lasts a certain amount of time and then it burns out. Once that happens, I'm left feeling confused and wondering why I am doing what I am doing. And it's no good telling myself that losing weight is for my health and longevity. When you feel like you're a piece of primordial slime, are you really going to care if you kick the bucket earlier than you should have? Why should you bother trying to save the life of a person you often despise? And I probably haven't really been conscious of this thought process at times I have failed. I've just gone back to the "default setting" of believing my failure was entirely due to my being weak and pathetic and unable to control my demons. Which, of course, is incredibly unhelpful and does nothing to promote resilience or any desire to hang in there and keep working, chipping away at things.
So for now, my first project was to write a new entry and change the blog title to something more suitable. Job done.
Until next time, here is a hopeful picture...