Sunday, November 11, 2012
The storm has passed
Well, hello out there in blogland. It is now getting on towards halfway through November and I have just realised it's been a while since my last post. I know why, too. I guess you could say a storm in the form of problems with a work colleague came into my life and with that, the wheels fell off my train of good work with mindful eating and I was derailed. However, I remember when I first started this blog, I did mention this has been the pattern with a few different blogs I have begun over the last couple of years i.e. when things went bad I just stopped blogging and abandoned the whole process, thinking that a lack of perfection meant failure. I was determined this one would not go the same way. And so here I am, a bit battered around but not defeated and determined to make this the kind of journey where being "derailed" does not have to mean everything comes to a stop; where, in fact, being derailed can turn into a valuable life lesson which will really help me going forward.
I don't really want to talk about the issue with the work colleague. Suffice it to say that I've already given it FAR more airtime in my brain than it ever deserved, and all of it happened because of my faulty thought processes, which in turn stem from my bad self-esteem and depression issues. It's amazing how something which was (as confirmed by two witnesses who heard and saw the whole thing) just about entirely the fault of the other person has been allowed (by me) to become something to beat myself up about, something to distract me from good things I was doing in my life, something to reinforce how much I don't like me (sometimes). And as this is a pattern which has repeated since time immemorial, really, it's a classic case of that now rather cliched phrase "If nothing changes, nothing changes". So the first change has been to return to this blog and put this on paper. The next change is going to be to get back to what I have been doing and learning before the "derailment".
And while I'm on that subject, it isn't actually all bad news. I can't honestly say I went back to bingeing my head off as I was doing a lot earlier in the year. It was all quite restrained. In fact, a couple of times I thought that's what I really wanted and needed to do (because it's a go-to strategy for me) and in fact, I ended up not doing it. I've still been eating more slowly. I've still left food on my plate if I really felt too full to finish. So some of this good work has "stuck" and I think that's a huge positive. I'm now going to do something I rarely do - pat myself on the back for it, because I deserve it. :)
Another good thing which has happened in the past week or so, as I've been climbing out of my little hole, was reading this book which was recommended by EK:
Right at this moment, I would say I'm not EVEN a friend to myself, let alone my best friend, so I have some work to do here. But this work doesn't exist in a vacuum. It may seem like I'm trying to take on a lot (and it feels like it sometimes) in trying to change both my negative thought patterns and my dysfunctional eating behaviours all at the same time, but the fact is they are completely and utterly enmeshed for me so any work I do towards one will help the other immensely.
So this is where I am at today, warts and all. I'm going to be blogging again regularly now. Tonight I found a CD of really lovely relaxation music in amongst a box of forgotten stuff that I had at my parents' place until recently and I have to say it makes brilliant background music for what I'm doing. Watch this space - good things will happen again now. :) Peace out.