Arrrgghh!

I've just logged into Blogger for the first time in about two years and the process of doing so was a little depressing, I have to say. The blogosphere is rather an unforgiving analysis of where your life is going, I am starting to find out. I seem to have been in this holding pattern over the last three years where I start a blog all full of enthusiasm and hope about once and for all changing my life. This enthusiasm and hope lasts about two months maximum and then I stop blogging because I have nothing hopeful or enthusiastic to write about. And so has gone the last few years of my life. I mean, yes, good things have happened and I feel blessed that they have. I'm now in a career that I enjoy and which pays me enough to live on comfortably. I have a new place to live where my neighbours are nice and don't seem to go out of their way to hassle/upset me like my last horrors (I have drawn a veil over that experience, though). But the real problem still remains. I'm still huge. I've undone all my good work from 2006 to 2009. I'm back to where I was. And it does not feel good, at all.

And then there's reading the old blogs. Boy, that's an eye-opener. :( I continue to be amazed at how much insight I appear to have into my issues, how much I understand my eating problems and why I do what I do. But do I fix it? NO! So what is the use of this insight and understanding? I think the lesson to take out of all this is to do less talking and thinking and planning and more just bloody well doing. Life is slipping by me at an alarming rate, it seems. I just turned 46 years of age and I will be 50 before I know it. 50! Do I really want to still be in this place when I'm 50? I know the answer is no, but the only person who can change it is the person typing this blog entry.

I've called this blog "Last Chance Saloon". I know this seems a negative title and I know in my heart that you can change at any age, etc, blah blah. But facing facts, as far as my health goes, it kind of IS a "last chance saloon" situation. I'm hanging onto my health with whitened fingernails but it won't last. I'm lucky to be as healthy as I am and the only reason I think I am is because eating rubbishy food and being lazy (one sort of leads to the other, I guess) are my only bad habits since I don't smoke and have never been a drinker. But I'm on borrowed time and I know that my quality of life is going to be seriously impacted if I keep going at this rate. There is no sugar-coating (no pun intended - well, maybe it was) this. It has to be stopped.

So this blog is going to be different. I'm going to write in it as often as I can, the good AND the bad. I'm not going to set out to make it "inspiring". I just want it to be a useful tool for getting stuff out of my head. And so this first entry is very honest because right now I don't feel hopeful. I have no reason to believe I'm ever going to be able to conquer this mountain. But I have to start taking small steps at least, or it will be goodbye to my independence and that is probably the thing I prize most in my world at the moment. Being an invalid trapped by my fat is not a picture that sits well with me.

As people like to abbreviate these days, Deb, JFDI.