Interest vs Commitment

Hello, blogosphere. I've just realised I've been a bit quiet this week, probably because I was in recovery from night shift as per my last post. I am waiting for some rice to cool down so I can incorporate into my healthy recipe I'm about to cook now, to be served along with salad. And it's very hot today and the last thing I actually feel like doing is cooking, so the fact that I'm doing it, well, I take it as a good sign!

What moved me to write a post was this quote which I found shared by a friend on Facebook.

This saying really resonated with me and I'm sure there are others to whom it really applies too. You see, I'd have to say that in my life I've always tended to be a bit of a quitter. When things really get tough I'm able to stand it to an extent, but when it becomes what I feel is unbearable, I must admit the white flag goes up and I surrender and usually get totally overrun by the enemy, which in my case is my eating/food demons. It might not happen straightaway but it has seemed almost inevitable because I just get tired of fighting. I think that's why with everyone doing challenges all around me (there's even one at work I could join) I'm resisting. The path is so familiar to me and in my mind, doing things that way appears to lead to certain failure. And it's no wonder I don't succeed with an attitude like that - I'm well aware how it sounds - but to me it's not a sign I have no willpower or am weak. Quite the opposite, in fact. I actually think I'm a fairly strong person, stubborn, even. This is why I feel I need a unique approach to my weight loss if it's to work. As per Mindwise Bodywise, I'm determined to do this for the sake of health, and this means taking out of the equation things like scales and measurements for now. This means using my clothes as a gauge. This means not listening to the inner voices of negativity which, ironically, have gone into overdrive since I'm not medicating so much with food/eating. The fact they are there, well, I actually take it as a sign I'm succeeding. If I were lulled into a false sense of security by thinking as I've thought every other time I've had success, "Right, that's it - I'm all over this now and I will be slim forever and never have a weight problem!" - well, weren't they famous last words! I don't take it for granted that when I do this, I will never have to worry about it ever again, but I do believe once I've worn new paths through my neural landscape of eating like a normal/healthy person, it will be easier. And that goes back to having faith in the process, and that I do have, in spades. :)

So, coming back to the saying about 'commitment', I think it really applies to my life now that I'm a shift-worker. I have to face the fact that I'm probably not going to "feel like" training at the gym a lot of the time, but really, that's too bad. If I'm really committed, that means I go anyway. I've had a new program written yesterday by an exercise physiologist and I've been advised to do it three to four times a week, so that's what I'm going to do. However and wherever I can fit it in around work, I'll do it. If I can find an hour to watch TV, I can find an hour to exercise. My body and my mind BOTH need it in equal quantities. So, just as I'm committed to making my best efforts at eating differently/mindfully from now on, I'm committing to exercise. There will be a way to fit it in and make it work. It's up to me to find what that is.

And that's all she wrote, for now. Ciao!

Phone chat with Sandy

Hi to all out there in blogland. Well, I certainly have fulfilled my plan of making good use of my three days off this week. In fact, if anything I may have OVERdone things because I am certainly very tired tonight, but it's all good. I got my housework and washing done. I got all my plants re-potted, hopefully without any casualties but we'll see in a few days. :) I went to see my doctor today about my knee and neither the X-ray nor the ultrasound showed up anything beyond a little bit of arthritis, which you would expect at my age. I also had a couple of sun damage spots on my right cheek checked (these are from driving, having that side of your face in the sun) and the decision's been made to having them frozen off. God knows I don't really have any reason to be vain but I don't really like having them there even if they are harmless (and we're not 100 percent sure yet that they are, although they will probably only be BCCs if they are anything).

The other important thing I did today was to have a phone chat with Sandy from Mindwise Bodywise, who is just lovely. It was good to be able to be honest about how I've been feeling re my weight loss efforts lately and how I've come to the conclusion that since every conventional thing I've tried has (eventually) failed, if I am EVER going to do this it will require some serious lateral thinking and a whole new approach to eating. This is why I believe she can help me. We've agreed that I need to begin the eight week course from scratch because I got so badly derailed by my misadventures at what I now call Bulls*** Court (Bishop Court). Some of what I learnt so far has been useful but I need to put it all together better. Sandy said I need to get out of my perfectionist mentality where I feel if I don't do something perfectly or "properly", I just don't do it at all. What I'm trying to do is something at which I really can't fail because it's all a learning experience. I'm sure I'll fail at times and get it wrong, but I need to be gentle with myself about it because I've certainly spent a hell of a long time doing the opposite of what I probably needed to be doing with food. What I'm trying to do is best expressed from a line in my favourite poem/piece of philosophy i.e. 'Desiderata'

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."

"Wholesome discipline" is exactly what I'm aiming for because it suggests doing something for yourself out of love, not out of hate. I don't think I've ever begun any weight loss plan without feeling disgust with myself, hating myself and wanting to beat myself to a pulp because I was such a terrible person, not being able to control myself with food. Jeez, no wonder I've never managed to do it permanently. How could I when I've never done the internal work to go with the external work. You don't go to so much trouble for a person you hate and loathe, do you? It sounds so easy when I say it but, as I've admitted, the insight I seem to have into the whole weight loss/weight gain cycle never seems to do me much good. *wry smile*

Anyway, that's me done for the day. I will blog again tomorrow night. I'm going to see how I go on my Mindwise Bodywise restart. Wish me luck! x